Delusion

Hi.

I believe that everyone has their own delusions.
As for me, being delusional is like my speciality.
I could have my own imagination and mixed it up with my own reality.
I would agree if people called me DELUSIONAL.
That's me.

When I was in school, I kept on having crush to many cool seniors and batchmates.
Randomly, I did good in having crush on people.
If they did know, I would discontinue my crush.
If there's any positive respond from the crush,
I would leave him.
A crush should be a secret.
If the people we admire know about that,
it's not a secret anymore.
There's no fun at all.

I continued to like people until my university days.
Until NOW.
It's hard to have a crush at this age.
I kept on wanting some positive feedbacks from the guys.
It's hard.
Because I know that, I just want someone who I want.
It's hard to have someone who likes us, the way we like them.

And at this age, everyone is taken.
I realised that a long-time-crush did exist. I kept on denying my feelings towards this one crush. I did have this feeling since school, form four to be exact. But then, he's too cool for me. Since I was and I am afraid of being dumped, I just had fun liking him from far. From his media socials. It's sad, right?

and I realised that I still like him, AFTER TEN YEARS.
AND HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
A PRETTY ONE.
So, yeah. I could back-off.
I started to move on to other person since I could sense that he's friendzoning me.
well yeah.
for a decent girl like me, why would a cool guy fall for me?
obviously no.

I started to pupuk perasaan for another guy. A new one.
The guy who I didn't know. I did know him through my friend, through media social.
and yeah, those pupuk perasaan became true. I started to seek for his attention.
i waited for him to like my posts.
to view my stories.
every single time. every single post.
It's dangerous since I would be dumped again.
I didn't know whether he's a girlfriend or not.
basically, I heard rumours about him having someone.
But yeah. When I moved on from my long-time-crush,
I wished that my new crush would be someone single.
So that it would be easy for me.
But then, I was so deep in my feelings. Again. It's not that I love my new crush. It's like a happy moment for me.
 to be reminded, I have been single for quite some times.
And I am still worried to commit in any relationship.
Yet, this kind of heart-throbbing crush, does make me unhappy. haha.
I cari pasal sendiri. siapa suruh pupuk.

And to move on from this guy as well, I decided to have a crush on someone impossible.
Like what I did years ago.
I liked Yonghwa and I treated him like he's my boyfriend. Really.
I rejected any guys who gave hints.
I frienzoned everyone.
BECAUSE I HAVE SOMEONE. IT'S MY DELUSION, everyone. Scary.
I was so busy then I started to forget my feelings towards yonghwa, the korean artist.

But now, I did it again.
I moved on from normal people (that I know I won't get) to a certain prince.
I did not know that a prince charming did exist.
I wanted to cry since I was in this state.
I was pupuk this feeling as well to move on from crushes.
But then. the feelings got surreal.
I wanted that prince that much.
And I tak ubah macam other immature girls who ran after the prince.
No, I won't do that.
But the feelings.
As I said before, my reality and my delusion keep on combining themselves.
I keep on forgetting the fact that I AM THAT DECENT GIRL.
AND A CERTAIN PRINCE WOULD NEVER KNOW THAT YOU'RE EXISTED.
JUST LIKE WHAT YOU HAD WITH JUNG YONGHWA BEFORE.
BUT YOU KNOW THAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE SUPER REAL.
AND IT'S CREEPY.

As I told my friends,
aku suka orang biasa pun, diorang taknak aku.
kalau aku suka orang yang tidak digapai is better.
the results are the same.
I won't get both. dua-dua tak dapat.
yang depan mata tak dapat.
apatah lagi seorang putera raja.

so yeah. keep on having crush.
The right one will come.
If there's none, you still have your family and friends behind.

I didn't know liking people would be this painful.
I faced this for so many times.
Tapi, langsung tak serik.

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